When my life began, I was so naive trusting all the lies and playing all the games

I learnt lessons the hard way trying to be what they wanted me to be

But life made me face myself and I was given mercy

As I laid on the floor soaked in tears with alot of regret

I forgave myself

I got up and someone new emerged

This someone new had nothing to loose and nothing to prove

All the hurt hate and negativity that tried to break me

Eventually was the source that remade me

At night when I try to sleep I  remember those words

And everything they said

Trying to shape and mold me

The rage of those years and

The answers I received pushed me to the edge

Unlike before….their motives are clear

Enough of the Nonsense

This is just preview

To Be Continued

Dont you see in my head there’s a war waging

In 1975 mayhem erupted and on that July day when I entered the world

The demons surrounded me waiting

Nightmares when I was sleeping torturing dreams

I hear the knocking evil is coming for me

The noise in my head

Paranoia expanding…..I am suffocating I cant breath

Each day is the same day to me

I wake up from a night where sleep never comes to face the day

A day of regret pain and misery

A day where silence seems forbidden

A day where there’s no peace or satisfaction

I open my eyes to darkness

I claw and scratch and scream

In a box within the earth

6 feet beneath

I go to work and had a very hard day only to return home to find a 3 day notice once again on my door. My landlord knows nothing about the law and before I moved here I believe she got away with bullying people. I mean at the beginning she was over charging me for the late fees which I pointed out; then she would say one thing and do another. Most of the people who stay here are sad pathetic individuals who instead of challenging her corruption, take what she gives out.

A person like me only can be pushed so far especially when the urge is growing so strong

I tried to write my thoughts out to see if that would help but I really hate stupidity and people who are decietful

I put the 3 day notice on the table and went to bed. I have a big day tomorrow and one thing I don’t need is this woman on my mind.

I heard people talking so got up and looked out the window and I saw my landlord by her car chatting it up with the person downstairs (I say person because I don’t know what it is). My landlord’s laugh makes my skin crawl.

Maybe I should of called her and ask about the notice on my door but at this point I think she is an ass.

I shake my head and go back to my room and try to go back to sleep instead her laughter is like nails on a chalk board; I decide to go outside and confront her about the notice only because I want to irritate her like she irritates me.

Funny, she was talking to the person from downstairs, who honestly is a novel in and of his/her self if you know what I mean, now she is out her alone; standing by her drivers’ side door. I walk out to the street, she notices me and then comes back upon the curb onto the sidewalk and we are standing face to face.

She is smiling that stupid smile as she says Hello…moving into her first sentence when I took the knife that I had in my hand and stabbed in the chest

She looked down at the knife as the blood sprayed out of her with a look on her face of WHY, As if she didn’t know

I took that dam 3 day notice from my pocket as she fell to the ground and I threw it on her, turned and walked back to my house.

I lie in my bed, as her laughter drifts through out my house and I drift off to sleep smiling.

At the end of my mental health visits and phone calls my therapist and psychiatrist always ask me if I ever feel suicidal

That is not the question they should be asking

What they should be asking is if I feel like killing someone else

I would never give these assholes the satisfaction of me killing myself

This is how I feel I am not speaking for you but in my honest opinion some people deserve to be decapitated set on fire or even buried alive

Some people and you know them like I do is a waste of air skin and life

They sit around judging others like they are the ones that belong

Are you kidding me

Suicidal I can never be

I have strong homicidal tendency and all it will take is a little push

I am so fucked up but not more than you

For 1 year I spent locked inside my head replaying every lie and all the hateful shit you said

I dedicate this to every mother and every father every brother and every sister every husband boyfriend and wife girlfriend

Dedicated to those with the insults the ones who made me feel like nothing…

My screams have gotten louder over the years DO YOU HEAR ME

Your fake and phony concern kills me….you pretend to listen and then you want to help me but 3 days ago you treated me less than a human being

You wanted Attention but to me attention you didnt give

You put me down constantly and then questioned why I am confused

You said you loved me but your love makes me feel inadequate

You said you will never leave but the words you say to me makes my skin crawl

I am not worthy of you I hear your voice say day in and day out

Tonight as I sit across the street from the house we shared as it burns down

I smile to myself because I finally proved you wrong

I never do anything right

When I got the opportunity when you fell asleep I went outside to the garage and got the can of gasoline

As I poured the gas around you on the bed every insult and put down you said to me replayed in my head

The match I lit fell to the floor as I made my way out the front door

As the flames grew I heard your screams and the happiness of knowing you are burning to hell meant everything to me

I know saying a person is crazy or insane or even nutts is not politically correct however I am crazy insane nutts and mad

Titles are just that titles

I have a mental disorder and I am black or African American to be politically correct

Neither one will go away or change; I was born like this

Therefore allow me to refer to myself any way I want; why are you so judgmental concerning things not of your concern

Lighten up

As for me I love when people look at me like Im insane, or mad it separates me from all the yous

Sanity is overrated and Normalcy is a fallacy Abnormalcy is the way of the future

It really upsets me when people say just be normal whatever the hell that means

A psychopath, narcissist, and those anti social types believe how they think is normal and maybe they’re right

Who am I to say otherwise

Normalcy is an illusion a carefully constructed lie therefore why not create your own normal a reality for you

In fact call it anything but normal, seriously Im not kidding embrace the darkness or the light

do what ever you want to do

Wait hold up let me backtrack and clarify

I am unlike Charles Mason

Therefore I say do what you want to do with this disclaimer if doing what you want involves killing another or cutting someone’s baby out their womb especially when you know what the outcome will be please leave me out

Dont go on trial and tell the jurors judge prosecutor public defender and the 6 o clock news that it was me that told you to do it

Dont embarrass yourself making it seem like you are a puppet and I am controlling your strings

See that’s not true you have a mind of your own and if you decide to do something illegal I wont be there with you

So in closing I say this embrace yourself become an enigma and do things to please you call it

Insanity madness nuttiness crazy call it what you want just own it

When I was a little girl I always felt like something was wrong with me

I would watch the other girls envious of them because I knew that they had everything and they was happy and I wanted that too

I learnt a while ago to put on a mask and pretend that I actually liked being me, I would appear to have life all together

If only people knew that the illusion they see of me is a lie it’s not true

I created this new all together normal person because if people knew the truth about me then they will see that I am and have nothing

I dont want to be empty and alone forever but what else could I do it’s hard for me to confront who I truly am and not what I let people believe me to be

Maybe I dont even know who I am any more and I am scared to find out

You dont think that the words you speak is full of hatred

Just because I dont think like you look like you talk like you or put alot of emphasis on things that you do

Gives you the right to make me feel less than you

Of your voice…I had enough

I tried really hard and changed myself to suit you; of all the stupid things that I did do

It was a bad decision cus no matter what I did it’s all a game and for me you wouldn’t do the same thing

I am not that complicated, often Mistreated sometimes mistaken but no longer am I second guessing

I love the craziness and insanity that is my life

Everything is good and regardless of what you see when you look at me

my nose my hair the clothes that I wear there not up to your standards…… I no longer care

You should change the voices you hear in your head and fall in love with you

Stop projecting your low self esteem on me confront your own demons

People flip out when the wait at Starbucks is longer than 2 minutes

Everyone’s on the internet living in their own reality posting pictures of their colonoscopies on Facebook

We glorify being on medication because the stress is to much we play insane when things dont go our way remember that Facebook Live feed I did explaining what all my pills do to me

We sleep with our cellphones under our pillow so when we wake up to go to the bathroom we can Twit it cuz God forbid I do something and no one knows

I know exactly what type of lunch you had each and every day because you posted it on Instagram

On those sites we appear to be the shit but the truth is we post pictures from our high school days and we lie and build up our lives

If they only knew the real me see I am a bit overweight and I work for McDonalds and I never been no place every detail I posted on Tumbler was phoney and fake

I dont have a car I catch the bus I have a flip phone not the Samsung S 10 plus I also dont have a bank account I use a prepaid card

But the fantasy that everyone wants see including me is the one out there on the internet

When I think of you and all the bull shit you put me through I know the heartache you caused me forced me to change

All you had to do was walk away instead you lied repeatedly about how you felt

The madness you created in my head from the riddles and the empty words you said

I dont know how to understand the fear or the urge within me to hide..

The belief of me and you all of it was untrue and the hope the life we could of shared fades

I start over trying to get these wounds to heal but I am the mess you created to you I didnt matter anyway

I am the skeleton in your closet that you cant lock away….all of your promises left my future in disarray

Shattered dreams thoughts of you overtaking me and now I fight to get out of the darkness my life has became

But underneath the surface I am trapped in this prison that I have made