My first memory of my life is of a large dirty room that I shared with other girls around the same age as me, they were either in the same situation that I was in or much worse. We lived in a dorm-like setting made within a factory,  with a large auditorium that was divided into our bedroom, the place where we ate, and the recreation area. I never knew my parents or anyone else in my family. My main memories of my childhood consisted of daily beatings, the rats and the roaches, and the constant need to run away to someplace safe, away for the horror that I was made to experience in this place day after day. 

The visitors that came to visit were potential adoptive families so we were told, however, the problem was that these men were often dirty old men who would look at us as if we were sundaes with sprinkles and chocolate syrup on a hot summer day.  These men would gawk at us because we were made to wear these dresses that were so short and tight that it made breathing hard in them. We were made to stand in front of these old men as they gave us orders to turn around, bend over and touch our toes, and my favorite one, let them see our teeth as if we were horses out in the pasture waiting to be broken-in. The girls that left that place with some of these men have been reported in the news as being dead or simply missing.

This is a dedication to a person I once had feelings for and he knows who he is
So I was head over heels in love with this guy who didn’t feel the same for me
Sure the signs was there but I neglected to pay attention
Looking back…..I should of paid attention
This guy and he knows who he is use to block my number and erased me for his life CONSTANTLY and then say he loved me…..
Not to mention he was already in a committed relationship with many other women….
I remember all the times 8 in total where I got hotel rooms and he didn’t show up……
Not to mention all the romantic shit I planned and he never called to cancel…..
And on top of all that he use to say he was in love with me
He blamed me for things some I admit too but the majority of the stuff was made up it didn’t exist
He use to tell me I wasn’t normal…if only you was like other girls he actually said to me and my idiot self….tried to be what he wanted me to be
Fast forward to today after the humiliation embrassment and pain
I had a revelation an epiphany that this guy and he knows who he is was not worth my adoration or time..he was not worth having me
In fact on this day I can confidently say that there’s no love in my heart for him
All the games he played and lies he told I had enough..it took forever but it was time to let that toxic bullshit go
I today have no ill feeling not a single one and I wish his life nothing but goodness happiness whatever he wants
Side note
I do appreciate the stuff I been through because I know now what I don’t want from a man
And I also know that going to this will never happen again

Things that are irrelevant, stupid, unjustifiable and makes no sense at all

Cliches, metaphors, public correctness and any and everything that dictates Normalcy

The liars the cheats the politician the unusual the ordinary the freaks

People pretending to be ok when in reality they like many others wish the world would open up and devour

When going to sleep and waking up changes nothing but your age

The chaos that fuels the madness of the psychotic and the social pathetic

Maybe we should all retire to the throne room and release the toxins within

Maybe we all should just take a DUMP

Picture this….a high school setting

There’s the nerds jocks stuck up girls and then there’s me

I watch how they all enact and no one knows I exist

On the school bus all of them sit with friends

Laughing and talking

I stare out the window waiting for that day

Fast Forward Present Day

Things are different to me however it’s more phoney and fake

People now want to be my friend and they know all the right this to say

I exist now

You are and will always be my inspiration…
There’s a lot I need to say…but when it comes to you I trip over my words there is just something about you I can’t figure out….you are inside my head, I tried to be guarded but when it comes to you I am an open book and you are my life…Loving you makes me feel alive and without you, I am lost…Each day I
hope and pray for one word from you that’s all I need to make everything in my life ok…I am holding on to you and
Forgetting all I am lacking because you make me complete so take my invitation and take back everything within me, I have nothing else to lose and nothing else to find…Its you that I know….even tho we are apart there’s a million reasons to let you go but I have one reason to hold on…I tried to give up and back down….but thinking of us gives me comfort and helps me sleep at night…I will always be here waiting and barely breathing Holding on to you….There’s nothing else I want…. I am willing to let you back inside even tho I am damaged and have doubts I want to show you the broken parts and let you back in my heart…so I will be here waiting for you…I am sorry I temporarily lost my way, I just want to come back HOME back to you

In 1975 my life was decided for me

It’s the same old thing

For me my peace comes when I am trapped in my head

All the torture that my life put me through

Regardless if my intentions was good

The fall out always attaches to me

Life regardless of who I pretend to be at one moment to the next

Singing or crying

I am often left on my knees trying to figure out if this is all a dream

Everything I did I do it to prove that honestly none of this is real and who cares that we all exist in a nightmare

I tried to be the one that they wanted me to be and my mind was trapped with no escape

I tried to change but I ain’t the same person I was a year ago

I exist in life only to live in shame

The pain that’s in me is the only thing I know, I let people speak cuz I cant change the road; the one that they are own

So I be in my mind where there is comfort where no one see me cry

The useless memories that I held on too

Emptiness and I hate to feel it

What I wouldnt give for an opening in the center of the earth

Then no one will feel anything

Sometimes it hard for me to think that you didn’t belong here, when you promised never to leave me alone

I knew something was wrong but you keep saying that you were alright

No one will ever see that side of you that you thought they wouldn’t accept

What I knew, and the time we shared, along with your life just faded away

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that you’re Gone

I stand here speaking on your behalf; but the emptiness I feel within me who would of guessed that my words can’t do justice

Here I am left alone, you being gone is everything that own

Again I am confused by why you didn’t stay alive — I am so mad that you took your life

How could you leave me alone

I am so excited that I can now call my self a published writer. My book will be on Kindle free and it will be for digit and paperback formats.

I am currently working on a new book called Choronzon which is going to be available in March. I have alot to do beside writing the book but I don’t I am so excited that I am now a published author.

https://motivated-motivator-5602.ck.page/ac5524e69f

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